Late Night Comics Have Plenty To Talk About
By: Jim Williams – Washington Bureau Chief of News Talk Florida
WASHINGTON – Another week of crazy things going on the campaign trail with both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton. But all of the late night talk show hosts , as you might guess, had plenty of material to work with provided by both candidates.
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
We have Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump on the show tonight, which means security is very tight. On their way in, everyone in the audience had to put their keys into a tray and their deplorables into a basket.
It’s been a busy week for Trump. Earlier today, he appeared on “Dr. Oz” and said that he wants to lose about 15 pounds. And his barber said, “Hey, come by any time you like!”
Everybody’s talking about these leaked emails from former Secretary of State Colin Powell. In one, he actually called Dick Cheney an idiot. Cheney was very hurt. In fact, he said the comments broke his latest heart.
Powell actually took shots at several politicians in his emails. For instance, he called Donald Trump a disaster, and said Hillary Clinton screws up everything she touches. It didn’t end there. It seemed like Powell had a lot of problems with other people. First he wrote, “There goes Adele singing about another break-up. It’s called wine, honey. Merlot and move on.”
In this next one, he says, “What’s with this Putin-Trump bromance? I half expect to see you two in a couple of outdoor bathtubs like that Cialis ad.”
Finally, he wrote, “Pokemon Go? Try Pokemon WENT. #OverIt.”
Hillary Clinton is featured in the upcoming issue of Women’s Health magazine. While next month she’ll be featured in “Bad Timing” magazine.
Yesterday, the director of the FBI suggested that people put tape over their laptop webcams to avoid being spied on. I’m a little concerned, because last night I went home and I put tape on my webcam, and then I heard my neighbor yell, “Oh, man!”
The chief of the European Union is dismissing rumors that he’s an alcoholic after he was seen staggering out of a meeting, saying he just has a balance problem. Hillary Clinton was like, “Sure, and I was just overheated.”
Vladimir Putin was recently spotted in Moscow taking selfies with a group of Russian brides who were about to get married. Then he told the brides, “OK, into the mail you go. Enough selfies. Enjoy new life in Florida.”
A new study finds that if you’re drunk around sober people, you’ll think you’re less drunk than if you’re around other drunk people. And if you’re drunk around sober people, chances are you’ve got a problem.
A 100-year-old tortoise named Diego has singlehandedly saved his species from extinction by fathering over 800 babies. Just keep in mind, somewhere out there, there’s a tortoise that’s having way more sex than you are.
Conan
The White House has announced that America will accept 110,000 refugees next year. Meanwhile, Canada announced if Donald Trump wins, they’ll accept 110 million refugees.
Donald Trump admitted to Dr. Oz that he is overweight, loves fast food, and doesn’t exercise. In a related story, Trump just won Wisconsin.
A man is getting bar mitzvah’d at age 113. They’re hoping the attendance is better than last year when he got circumcised.
During a campaign rally yesterday, Donald Trump said, “You think Hillary Clinton could stand up here for an hour?” Then he debuted his new campaign slogan, “I Can Stand Up for an Hour.”
Ivanka Trump abruptly ended an interview with Cosmopolitan magazine because she felt the questions were “unfair.” Of course it’s understandable, most of us wither under the intense political grilling of Cosmopolitan magazine.
A woman in Oregon who was hospitalized for E. coli after eating Chipotle is suing the company for free Chipotle. It’s all part of Oregon’s “right to die” law.
A 100-year-old tortoise named Diego has now fathered over 800 offspring. Which is why today, he was the first tortoise in history to be drafted into the NBA.
The Duggars, of the TV show “19 Kids and Counting,” are adopting a 20th child. Not because they wanted one, but because it came free on their punch card.
Ivanka Trump cut short an interview with Cosmo because of what she said was all the “negativity.” Which is weird because all the interviewer said was, “So, your dad is Donald Trump, right?”
The Late Late Show With James Corden
We’ve been hearing a lot recently about Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton. But there is finally another politician in the news, because former President George W. Bush announced today that he is releasing a book of his paintings.
Recent polling has shown that Hillary Clinton’s lead over Donald Trump has almost totally disappeared and the candidates are basically tied. They’re neck and neck. Well, for Hillary it’s the neck. For Trump it’s more like a gizzard thing.
This week a study was released by the World Health Organization showing that the United States is the third most depressing country in the world after India and China. When Americans heard the news they were like, “Oh, we only got third?”
America, you have got to buck up. Look, I understand India, China — they are overpopulated and they are polluted. But America, you guys are like, “Ew, there’s no Wi-Fi at this restaurant. How am I supposed to Snapchat my sliders? I’m sad now.”
